Spiderman: Shattered Dimensions

I am highly disappointed with this game, like all other Spiderman games that came out after Spiderman 2. I thought, with all the cool graphics and scenery, it looked pretty well, but the whole gameplay reminded me of Spiderman 3, and that’s saying A LOT.


The whole story develops along the other Spideys in the other universes. There is the Mainstream Spidey, who we all know got bitten and survived by a radioactive spider in the 60s. For some stupid, goddamn reason, he has web shooters made with a chemical. Excuse me, but isn’t the Sam Raimi’s version of Spider Man a whole a hell lot better than the Mainstream? Hell fucking yes.

The next one is the Ultimate Spiderman. Mind you, there is nothing ultimate about him, just that he’s that little teenage boy in a grownup world that makes me want to kick him in the balls. I know we can’t get mixed up between Ultimate Spidey and Mainstream Spidey because people are not detailed with close-ups, just in color. So, yes, Ultimate Spiderman is in the Venom suit. Yippee.

Then there is Spiderman 2099, which I don’t understand why he has to look like the Spiderman from Unlimited series. He is just there, and no one cares about him, especially not me.

Then there is Spiderman Noir, who reminds me of Batman. Seriously, he does. He tries so hard to be Batman, but then realizes that bullets hurt, and the reason why Batman lives is because he’s FUCKING AWESOME!!!

Let’s recap on the recent Spiderman games in the last decade.

Spider Man 1, based on the film, was based on the gameplay of the previous games developed by Activision for the N64 and the PS1. Don’t include the Game Boy Color version, because that sucked ass. The game’s combat was the same, just with better graphics at the time. The only difference was that you didn’t have to reload your web cartridge, like a fucking shotgun.

Spider Man 2, also based on the film series, which Sam Raimi should’ve stuck to, WAS FUCKING AWESOME! It was more than awesome, it was too great for words, because it actually brought in open world sandbox fun, not sandbox boring to the point that I wanted to strangle the one who developed the game. I respected Activision for that.

“Okay,” I said, “The previous games sucked, but what the hell, right?”

So I loved it, and I’m sorry I sold it when my brother handed his PS2 to a crackhead, along with the other games, controllers, and memory cards he had; in response, that stoner sold all of that stuff, making my brother bored out of his skull.

Anyway, the combat was great, because you could press two buttons and—BEHOLD!—Spidey can do a 15 hit combo on five bad guys, making gameplay that much fun. Plus, the swinging was fucking good.

I played the third one when I noticed it was button mashing. I said, “Well, Activision, I have now lost all faith in you making anymore Spiderman games. The next time I see you, I will destroy your foot with a sledgehammer.” The graphics sucked, and if I wanted to run away from Venom at the end to regain health, I couldn’t leave because of fucking invisible walls.

I won’t play Ultimate Spiderman because you switch from Ultimate Spidey and Venom. I hate the universe and everything in it; call me classy, but that little bitch couldn’t even beat his older self because he whines too much.

I won’t play Spiderman: Web of Shadows for the reason of hearing the guys voice, because he sounds like he’s got tissues up his nose, the little prick, and quite frankly, the “moral choice” system. Plus, the combat reminds me of the third game.

And now, Spiderman: Shattered Dimensions.

If I ever get this game or play it again, I will chuck it out, find Spider Man 2, and play it, curb-stomping Activision in the face.