Slapp Happy Says: The City of the Retarded

When there is no more room in Hell, the dead will walk the earth.


Favorite quote for Dead Rising, except they rose by mutated wasp queens planting eggs in them. I find that hard to believe, but this is CAPCOM, so that would make sense to them. Like in Resident Evil, the T-Virus and G-Virus were transported via rats. Which begged the question: how did the rats survive the mutations while other species didn’t?

Anyway, back to the new zombie killing game. Instead of four people, there’s just you, and 7000 zombies all in one sitting. Instead of finding a shit ton of loaded weapons lying around, you have melee weapons, and anyting can be used as a weapon. And I mean, ANYTHING can be used as a weapon (except for food, of course).

The game sets up some time after the events of DR1, where ex-motocross champion Chuck Greeeeeeeene and his daughter escaped an outbreak in Las Vegas. He goes from one game to another, bringing big money so he can buy Anti-zombie drugs for his infected daughter. So, instead of taking pictures for your rep, you have to bring Zombrex to your daughter to keep her from turning.

Bad things, like all zombie/horror movies, happen as someone releases stored zombies for a reality game show on killing zombies. So, another outbreak occurs, and this time, Chucky is framed for the outbreak, even though we know he didn’t do it. EPIC PLOT TWIST!!!!

You have five things to do constantly in this game.

1. Rescue survivors-just because it’s an outbreak doesn’t mean that everybody got fucked up. There are still some people, and rescuing them gives you points to learn new moves and new weapons. They can wade through hordes of zombies like nothing, but after so many survivors, they will ask you for money. Note: Ignore the Survivors in the beginning. They can’t be rescued!

2. Solving CASES-there are the main missions which moves the story forward. These get you to know who started the outbreak and who framed Chuck. Also, pop some corn, because you get to watch cut scenes. Yay for cut scenes.

3. Fighting Bosses-Unlike Resident Evil, where the bosses are so large and have ridiculous amounts of health, and the room is either tight or too cramped; there are human bosses in which you go up against. They have massive health bars and can eat something to regain more health than you can from an orange juice. They are the psychos that kill Humans for some reason and the zombies won’t even go for them, which pisses me off.

4. Getting Zombrex-One thing you must do when the time comes is get a drug for your terminally ill child. Your support character reminds you to get Zombrex and administer it to her. Zombrex, the drug to prevent infected humans from becoming zombies, is very rare and very expensive. It is also rare to get it from survivors you escort.

5. KILLING ZOMBIES!!!!!- 7000 Zombies on a screen. You and multiple weapons. Have fun!!!

Besides the whole side missions and main mission, where you’re timed on (sucks), the graphics are good, especially the expressions on the face and the voice acting is good. The only thing that is terrible is that you get knocked down by the bosses and you can’t knock them down. The fuck! They’re Human, not fucking terminators. Another option is that you can combine weapons to make killer new weapons, like a chainsaw and a broom stick, but not a knife and a bamboo stick. Some combos can be used for killer and gruesome moves, even if it’s for shits and giggles because it’s a novelty.

I recommend this game if you are a fan of the undead and want to survive an zombie apocalypse and a fan of MegaMan, because someone at CAPCOM certainly is. If you don’t because you think it’s scary, then you haven’t seen scary to the point where it makes you POOP YOUR PANTS!!!

Slapp Happy Says: Barn Burning in SMALLVILLE

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a failed show that is finally ending!


Yes, ladies, Tom Welling will not be taking off his shirt anymore after this. So cry me a fucking river and listen to Justin Bieber while slitting your wrists while having a period.

The tenth and season of Smallville has come at the end of the journey that has disappointed many Superman fans after season 5. The first season was good, but then it got weirder and weirder when it got to Season 6. You would always think this or that was the season when Clark would finally be Superman.

According to the fucked up writing staff of Smallville, this is the season in which Clark embraces his destiny and becomes Earth’s greatest protector. Why couldn’t do that in Seasons 8 or 9? I don’t know, but I was really disappointed in both.

The show begins with Baby Clark’s arrival in Smallville during a meteor shower that can enable people to have powers and can kill them or people in the long run. Clark fights these psychos and some of them use their power for good. Then the show grows into a more drastic and dark show, filled with a depressed young Superman who should’ve taken a kryptonite knife and slit his own wrists.

The characters stem from the mainstream universe, and new characters have been placed as Clark’s foes or friends. In Season 1, there was Lana Lang, played by Kristen Kreuke, who was Clark’s love interest for four seasons and left after season 7. YAY! Now she can marry Pete Ross.

Speaking of Pete Ross, portrayed by Sam Jones III, he becomes a stretchy dude after eating Krypto Gum. Wtf? Anyway, he leaves the show in the third season. I don’t have a problem with his ethnic background, but wasn’t Pete Ross white?

Next, there is Lex Luthor, played beautifully by Michael Rosenbaum, was and always shall be the enemy of Clark. I try to understand how he was killed in Season 8 while he is the exact opposite of Clark, and if he’s taken out of the equation, who fills his place? Batman?

Anyway, the Kent Parents, played by John Schiender and Annette O’Toole, are in this as well, except that Jonathan dies in Season 5 and Martha leaves in Season 6. Pain in the ass, I know. New characters were added and taken away.

Lionel Luthor, the father of Lex, played by John Glover, lives from Season’s 1 to 7. And yes, Lex kills his dad. Epic spoiler!!!

Chloe Sullivan, played by the beautiful Allison Mack, has remained on the show since the first season. She plays as the best friend and knowledge of Clark and gains some abilities. Weird.

Anyway, besides the long list of regulars that have come and gone throughout the rest of the series, I was really disappointed in Season 8. I mean, I was really expecting a two hour long battle between Clark and Doomsday. But it was reduced to three minutes in the finale. Pisses me off.

Have any of you notice that in almost everything related to Superman that Doomsday is portrayed as a dumb monster, capable of only destruction, havoc, and grim death?

Doomsday was a thinking creature. Not a killing machine. Clark can’t die to Doomsday’s hands until he’s Superman, which I have hoped he would become, but that’s just me.

Slapp Happy Says: Mario Galaxy 1.5

I can say straight away that Mario Galaxy 2 is fun, I can also say that the game is a constant repeat of the same thing: the princess Peach is kidnapped by Bowser and the Italian plumber Mario goes to save her. The game controls is kinda difficult for me, all for the sake of the Wii controls of trying to actually move the character while standing trying to aim the damn thing.

Mario goes on an adventure through three galaxies in search for the princess. I don’t know if you had noticed, but every main character that’s a female in Nintendo is blond. Zelda, Samus, and Peach, as if brown and brunette were the things of the past.

Mario was once known as Jump Man and that Peach was the damsel in distress in the hands of Donkey Kong, who flung barrels at Jump Man to stop him. Mario went up against DK once, and so Nintendo changed his nemesis from a giant ape to a giant lizard.

Bowser was once known as King Koopa, but Koopa has been known nowadays as Koopa the Quick and a mushroom Koopa. And Bowser has a kid. When the hell did that happen? He was introduced in Yoshi’s Story, the game where every color of the fucking rainbow is in the game, which was a platform game.

The thing which gets me is that Mario could do awesome acrobatic moves in Mario 64 but that was limited in Mario Galaxy 2. He’s a cartoon character, his fists are going to expand and he’s most likely going to flatten when dropping from a high area. Another thing which has been removed is the shell surfing. It used be real fun: take down a turtle and surf on its shell. You’re practically invincible to Koopas and you can watch them explode into little puffs of smoke.

Well, hell, I thought that would be a lot cooler.

There are several things you may do in the game which do not make sense; like shooting a bunch of star gems into little stars to make planets or worlds. Also, you get other people to help you out (like they really do) and you’re towing a Mushroom Man ship. They all say, “We’ll help you, Mario!” and they never fucking do.

You also get trophies in your ship which is a flying head of Mario. I’ve always wondered if the designers were getting high while making the previous games, or were trying to encourage children by telling them to take mushrooms to get bigger. You use different effects to get through certain levels, like a drill bit and the rock mode, which you can keep for a long, other than the hats in Mario 64, which after a awhile you couldn’t keep.

If you obviously want to spend the rest of your days in a basement just playing this game, you’re no different than the losers who play WoW in their parents’ basement. I highly recommend this game if you want to be alone for more than 24 hours.

Something to think about: Peach, Samus, and Zelda are all blonds. No wonder they get attacked like that by bad guys.

Slapp Happy Says: Desperate Hoe Bags

At first, my thought of DH was that—Housewives who were desperate for adventure and sex with other men other than their husbands. Apparently, you would think that they were doing a soft-core pornographic show available on National TV. But, after watching the show from Season 1 to Season 6, I can see why it is so hugely popular. The show is a dramedy: a combination of comedy and drama, two things everyone thought should stay separate, but put them together and you have what they call a pretty good show.


The show focuses around several of the women who live on a street where they wear the pants in any and all situation. More and more, the men on the show start growing a pair of balls and actually settle things domestically.

The first one is Susan Meyer, portrayed by Terry Hatcher, you know, the one who got fucked then killed in Tomorrow Never Dies and was in love with Superman in the New Advntures of Lois and Clark? Anyway, she plays a character that was married to a womanizer and then falls in love with a plumber. She somehow drags the attention to her. What I mean by drag is that she always places the spotlight on herself so that drama can find her.

The second one is Bree Van de Camp/Hodge, played by the stern Marcia Cross, is an OCD individual who tries not to show her emotions except through alcohol. Yay beer! Anyway, she was married to a doctor for almost 20 years when he cheated on her and died by his associate’s hand for Bree. Somehow, all the crazy men on this show run to her and nestle her. She marries a second time to a dentist who is now in wheel chair due to a fight with Susan’s ex-husband. Oh, the complications of adult drama!

The third one is Lynette Scavo, played by actress Felicity Huffman, is a tough and all out with fists and wits in the show. Not only do she and her husband have a huge family, but they are still together. You would think that her husband would walk out for being too controlled by his wife when he agrees with her on every single thing. She has given birth to five children, and you have to wonder whether or not they are Greek. She loves her husband very much and so does he. Ahhh! True love.

The fourth one is Gabrielle Solis, a bit of bitch played by the ever so beautiful Latino actress Eva Longoria Parker. She always brings others down by her smart remarks and rude behavior, but always comes back saying I’m sorry from the bottom of her heart. She is married to a rich guy, cheats on him, gets a divorce, goes broke, gets married to the mayor, becomes a widow, gets married to the rich guy, has two kids broke, and now is a mom with richness. So now, she went from rich bitch to richy bitchy in seven seasons.

The fifth is Edie Brit, played by Nicollette Sheridan, is portrayed as the whore of Wisteria Lane. Every guy she sees she sleeps with, and has some sort of rivalry with Susan Meyer for the plumber. She is married three times before dying in the fifth season, due to her third husband’s plan. She became part of the circle of friends later but was still considered a slut. In the series, she has a son named Travis, who is now in college.

The sixth being Katherine Mayfair, another red-head who goes from secretive to crazy, played by Dana Delany. She was Susan’s best friend and returns to the lane with a secret that happened years ago. She likes the plumber, and loses it when he marries Susan and then ultimately loses it when she became a lesbian. I actually had to search for her names on Google because, I couldn’t, for the life of me, remember the bitch’s name.

The seventh housewife who replaces Katherine is Renee Perry, played by Vanessa Williams. I was surprised to see her join DH, mainly because I haven’t seen her act since The Odyssey and Johnson Family Vacation. She comes to Lynette’s house from New York, in which she is married to New York Yankee star, and asks to stay awhile. You can immediately tell that she was either divorced or has separated from the baseball player just by how she acted. Yippee for mysteriousness.

The show has a good atmosphere to present to the audience: good cast, good storyline, great comedy, and of course, the cliffhangers and constant confusion. I like a show that keeps something cleverly hidden until its revealed and then you gasp in terror when the secret is out, rather than seeing the shadowed person or topic at hand, which V failed to do so and so did No Ordinary Family. I guess DH is staying on air for awhile, and it’s not going anywhere. I can guess that people are going to feel the same way they did when FRIENDS left the TV screen: blubbering for forty bloody days!

Slapp Happy Says: Left 4 No One and too much

L4D is a survival horror game without much of the horror in it. It had the surviving part against hordes of smacking zombies who thinks biting is gay and that hitting you continuously is just plain silly. They kinda remind me of the rabid zombies from the new Dawn of the Dead, which still gives me nightmares. It had freaky fat guys that can puke on you to attract more zombies. So when you walk into a room kill all the zombies, then you have one fat guy puke on you, seven hundred thousand more zombies pop out of nowhere and beat the living shit out of you.


With its tedious rules and gameplay, it was generally good. Except you can’t haul an arsenal of weapons and side-weapons, which pretty much sucks. The only way you can fight if you have one rifle and one pistol, and your choices of weapons are a shotgun, an uzi, a sniper rifle, an assault rifle, and an additional pistol. Oh the joy of having duals that won’t run out of ammo! The side weapons of choice are, and you can only HAVE ONE OR THE OTHER, as follows: a Molotov or a pipe bomb for throwing, a health kit or pain killers for healing, or a flashlight, which you cannot get rid of.

Any of the zombies come in contact with you, you can just shove back, which at any case, feels like bashing your head against the wall because a mob of dead people hitting you is pretty much that.

Have I mentioned special undead before? Yes, in this game, there are special undead you face in the game, much like Resident Evil or BioHazerd, depending which c***sucking country you’re from, many which are named by the less intellectual picking their noses with the nozzles of their weapons. We have—drum-roll please—these “Special Infected,” which makes them sound like mentally retarded people:

The Boomer: This is the fat guy who pukes on you to attract more zombies. Oh, f***-berries! Blow it up with a shotgun to feel bigger than Jesus Christ. Thank you, Barely Political, for that phrase.

The Smoker: He is a guy that coughs and explodes into a puff of smoke when dying. I don’t know why he’s called this, maybe because licker would either be offensive to women or sound like heaven to heavy drinkers when he lashes out his tongue to grab a Survivor and crush him/her to death.

The Hunter: He’s a f***ing creeper in a hoody with claws that pounces people and performs horrible plastic surgery on their faces. He climbs walls like a Spider-Ma—er—Hoody-Man—would do.

The Tank: A brown poop version of the Hulk, except more big arms and less legs and a small head. He will knock you down and beat the living shit out of you. Plus, he throws objects at you from pulling rubble from the ground, which begs the question: how is the ground still intact after he rips the pavement away? And how the hell are you still intact after he threw rocks at your face? Oh, wait you’re one of the main characters.

Then there’s the annoying Bitch, I mean Witch: She is the only infected that’s “special” (retarded) that’s blond. Why Valve chose this, I have no idea. When up close, she’s pretty f***ing scary, with glowing red eyes and sharp teeth. Spooky. She is dressed lightly, as seen in bra and underwear, and when she cries, she drags your stupid ass into the scene, and she literally scratches your eyeballs out with her hooker nails. Basically she knocks you over, and when you think you’re drunk and about to get laid, it doesn’t work like that with this one. Lights startle her and she runs after you.

For the Survivors, which are Bill, a Vietnam Vet, Zoe, a chick who is tough, Louis, the only brother who is a white collar in the group, and Francis, a horrible name given to a biker dude. I think we can call Bill Dick, Zoe as Hotness, Louis as Lou, and Francis as Frank. They all seem to know each other and have known how to shoot a gun. They have to help you out if you’re pinned, on the ground, or hanging over a ledge, which I don’t understand why you need help when you pull yourself up off the F***ING LEDGE!!!

L4D2 delivers the same package, except with higher graphics, more weapons, newer enemies, and better gameplay. The rules still apply, as it did in the last game, but this one develops an actual story. Gee, why couldn’t we do that in the first one while we just threw a bunch of ideas in and no plot points?

Instead of the original cast, you play as four more survivors in the south, then the survivors from the north. I think there is some sort of reference between the two when talking about the civil war.

Anyway, the new guys and gal is Nick, a pompous asshole who goes into leader-mode, which we could call him “Doc,” Rochelle, an African-American female newsreporter who is a bitch and bitches more than the annoying Bitch, er Witch, and PMS’s more frequently than Zoe did, Coach, a fat African-American who loves chocolate, as seen stuffing in his fat face in the intro vid, and Ellis, who is a tow-truck driver who wants to get into Rochelle’s pants and claim her as his slave, because of his heavy southern accent.

There are now Special Zombies, as if the first ones had to be retarded in order to be special by being blown to bits by shotguns and pipe bombs. Zombies in Hazmat Suits are non-flammable, zombies in the swamp throw poo at you, zombies that continuously honks their noses because their clowns, (If there is one thing I hate in this world, it is clowns. Putting them with zombies means whoever did so needs to be hit in the head with a shovel and then pissed on by a pregnant nanny.) and zombies that wear SWAT vests.

The same old Mentally Retarded—I mean—Special Infected, return with new classmates: The Jockey, which jumps on you and rides your ass into walls or the horde, the Charger, which is the first stage of the Tank, and the Spitter, a pregnant hooker that spews her gonorrhea at you.

Besides the graphics and plot, these two games have made zombie killing much more fun but that much more boring at the same time. The gameplay of both games are thus follows: Grab weapons and items, leave point of origin, fight a shitload of zombies, and get into the safe-house, which is just a metal door with bars. Why waste time on the first one when the second one is greater than Resident Evil 5? I still try to understand the movie posters, as if the designers all grew up in the 70s when horror movies basically SUCKED!

Slapp Happy Says: No More StUPER Families

The only thing I can think of when seeing the pilot episode of No Ordinary Family is Stan Lee being crucified outside ABC with his skull, along with Brad Byrd. The idea has been stretched out on a rack, and beaten with metal rods until it was gruesomely slaughtered by the wheel. It felt like we met these characters before, but in a Disney/Pixar movie in 2005.

The episode begins with a “normal, suburban family” going on a vacation to South America. It seemed to be rushed too quickly and that you never sympathize with the main characters distant individual worlds. If they had died, you feel the same way about the pilot of their plane that crashes into an island? Wrong, into a river with floating green algae that was mistaken as gasoline. Anyway, the characters would be dead, along with the pilot and you’d feel nothing for their loss. But because they are main characters, we have to kill the pilot and carry no sympathy for him.

Speaking of Pilot, it should’ve been murdered with an ax sticking out of its head. Why? Because the plot was stabbed, beaten, and rushed out of the door of your living room. Remember when I spoke about the algae? Well, they thought it was originally gas, until they figured out it was just algae. If it was gas, the ecosystem would be kicking man’s destructive ass by trapping gas in bubbles. I’m no biologist, but isn’t algae harmful to the body?

Anyway, the family begins to notice that they have powers. Whoop-de-freaking-fucking-doo! They get powers that begins to mimic the Fantastic Four and the Incredibles (note the Stan Lee and Brad Byrd remark. “Haha,” you say, “you’re so hilarious!” Well, I just gave you heart disease by that joke, and GOOD LUCK FINDING YOUR HEART MEDICINE, ya douche!)

Dad is a bald guy who has family problems and hangs out with a black dude. Sound familiar? It gets better! He hates his job and can’t help the police. Walking on the edge here, fucktards of ABC. He has super strength and can catch bullets, but—ho ho ho—can get shot in the back, which means he’s not all that invulnerable. He can jump real high like the Jolly Green Fucking Hulk Giant. What happens if his hands are chopped off and eaten by llamas in hats because they had the rumblies? I say it’s his damn fault for giving up his badge in the SHIELD and throwing his rocky bodysuit away after doing two FF films.

The wife is like the Flash placed into Elasti Girl’s shoes. She works 80 hours a week and strives to be there for her family when she suddenly runs really fast like Sonic the Fucking Hedgehog to make lost time with her family. Yippee! But when she runs, her clothes do not fall off, as noted by her lab help. Maybe being on national television made it so she can’t do so would only CENSOR it and it probably can happen in the UK because there is no CENSOR there.

The children get powers as well, except that there is no changing baby in this family. There is the daughter, who loves high school and is dating the most popular boy in the school. She acquires the power of telepathy via eye contact, so give her a couple of bracelets and a costume that resembles Wonder fucking Woman, bald, in a wheelchair. She finds out that this power turns her emo, but somehow is ok with it when she breaks up with the boyfriend for sleeping with her bff. Oh, the joys of high school drama!

The son is classified as a lobotomized child who’s struggling in school, until he gets the power from the gas/algae to have a higher brain function. Yay, the cure for retards is in South America! Give him a coyote pup, squinty eyes, and you have Amadeus Cho from the Hercules Comics. Respectfully, bitches, this one is probably the best out of the rest.

The plotline is predictable, the bad guys are lame, and the main villain is easily recognized. The show should be taken off ABC like the bad ending of LOST and FLASH FORWARD.