I know it’s weird for me to review a parody, but I say, screw it, and do it anyway, even though there is mainstream shows dancing on my laptop. So, fanboys and girls, I’m tossing out Hawaii 5-0 this week, mainly because I don’t give a shit.
DBZ Abridged is a parody of the show, with all the characters returning to be either stupid or just downright hilarious, geared towards minors and adults wishing to be minors, making their own storyline within the storyline.
I liked Season 1. It was okay and I have been watching every episode since number one. And fuck you if you think I’m a fanboy, because this shit is hilarious and always there for when I want a giggle.
Team Four Star has done an excellent job with the show I completely support them, if I had any money. I haven’t seen anything by Little Kuriboh, the director/writer/actor of Yugioh Abridged. If there is, let me know. His shit’s hilarious, too.
I recommend these two because they are edited properly and they are not terrible with voice acting. If you try to watch the other ones, then you have no soul.
Questions of the day: have any of you notice that there hasn’t been a Terminator game in, like, ever? And see if the Sonic X Abridged is going to be more than just one episode because Shady Vox should make another?
And what to expect in 2011?
The year is almost up, and I just want to say my expectations in 2011 that 2010 had failed in are that there should be better games. You know the kind of games I have seen so far in previews and upcoming news?
1. Batman: Arkham City—Arkham Asylum was great. It was pretty good. The graphics were awesome, and the stealth mode made you look like the mad-murderer, picking off the bad guys and freaking them out. I think Arkham City is going to be an open world sandbox, and hopefully, achieve the Spiderman 2 game or at least above it.
2. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3—the second game was good, I’ll give it to them; I hope that number three will be much better and run more smoothly then the last one. Hopefully, the third-person or first-person option is there rather than first-person. I hope the enemy this time is North Korea, because I AM SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF SHOOTERS WARRING WITH RUSSIANS!!!
3. Dragon Age 2—as opposed to the DA:O game, you get to play a single character who makes tough and moral decisions in the game. I can already guess where this leads to. But I ask that, “Why does the synopsis sounds like its Mass Effect?”
4. Mass Effect 3—the second one was long enough and this is the final chapter in the series as Commander Shepherd goes against the Reapers. I am guessing that they’ll want either ME1 or ME2 memory slots so that your character is in the game. Hope they turned the combat and melee system to be more than just one punch.
5. Portal 2—I only saw Portal 1 once, and it was great! It had a nice touch of graphics and polished puzzles. The only thing that was annoying was the woman’s voice over the loud speaker, the dumb bitch. Anyway, I expect Valve will make this one a little more challenging, with some extra tools and better options. I just don’t want you to say Vindictus is better than Portal.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
The Other Day…
During my journeys upon the relative walkways of college, I stumbled upon a party that made me wish to get drunk and curb-stomp individuals: the socialist party.
Yeah, yeah. There’s the whole freedom of speech and rights of assembly, blah, blah, fucking blah. But considered why my right eye twitched and my fingers shook violently to strangle the individual selling socialist propaganda. We’re capitalists and we’re proud of it, but to propose a classless society and trying to gain a utopia is just plain redundant.
She said we could live in a utopia where other cultures have failed and create a classless society.
I argued,
“BULL
FUCKING
SHIT!”
I tried to explain that there is no such thing as a classless society, even if you go to a tribe, there isn’t a classless society. Soviet Union failed at that aspect, China is being more democratic, and her response was that Soviet Union and China are making mistakes. What she was selling was shit that was so pungent not even a freshener can cover or even eliminate the scent.
Also, I told her that only a few select elect themselves to fill their pockets and lie about their paycheck when Joe is getting 6 dollars and the politician gets 6000. She said that we can trust our politicians, like some sort of teddy bear for our children to have and hug.
I reminded her that the Russians trusted Stalin and they got fucked up. Haven’t we learned anything from history? No, we haven’t, because our leaders and people come up with the same old ass shit that we get sick of hearing same old, same old.
So my eyes started twitching and my hands wanted to grasp something and choke it. Instead, a classmate came by and dragged me away. Literally. I whined and bitched like a little child because I wanted to curb-stomp the old bitching hag.
So there, that’s what happened the other day. If you’re unhappy with my political then FUCK YOU!!!
Yeah, yeah. There’s the whole freedom of speech and rights of assembly, blah, blah, fucking blah. But considered why my right eye twitched and my fingers shook violently to strangle the individual selling socialist propaganda. We’re capitalists and we’re proud of it, but to propose a classless society and trying to gain a utopia is just plain redundant.
She said we could live in a utopia where other cultures have failed and create a classless society.
I argued,
“BULL
FUCKING
SHIT!”
I tried to explain that there is no such thing as a classless society, even if you go to a tribe, there isn’t a classless society. Soviet Union failed at that aspect, China is being more democratic, and her response was that Soviet Union and China are making mistakes. What she was selling was shit that was so pungent not even a freshener can cover or even eliminate the scent.
Also, I told her that only a few select elect themselves to fill their pockets and lie about their paycheck when Joe is getting 6 dollars and the politician gets 6000. She said that we can trust our politicians, like some sort of teddy bear for our children to have and hug.
I reminded her that the Russians trusted Stalin and they got fucked up. Haven’t we learned anything from history? No, we haven’t, because our leaders and people come up with the same old ass shit that we get sick of hearing same old, same old.
So my eyes started twitching and my hands wanted to grasp something and choke it. Instead, a classmate came by and dragged me away. Literally. I whined and bitched like a little child because I wanted to curb-stomp the old bitching hag.
So there, that’s what happened the other day. If you’re unhappy with my political then FUCK YOU!!!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Spiderman: Shattered Dimensions
I am highly disappointed with this game, like all other Spiderman games that came out after Spiderman 2. I thought, with all the cool graphics and scenery, it looked pretty well, but the whole gameplay reminded me of Spiderman 3, and that’s saying A LOT.
The whole story develops along the other Spideys in the other universes. There is the Mainstream Spidey, who we all know got bitten and survived by a radioactive spider in the 60s. For some stupid, goddamn reason, he has web shooters made with a chemical. Excuse me, but isn’t the Sam Raimi’s version of Spider Man a whole a hell lot better than the Mainstream? Hell fucking yes.
The next one is the Ultimate Spiderman. Mind you, there is nothing ultimate about him, just that he’s that little teenage boy in a grownup world that makes me want to kick him in the balls. I know we can’t get mixed up between Ultimate Spidey and Mainstream Spidey because people are not detailed with close-ups, just in color. So, yes, Ultimate Spiderman is in the Venom suit. Yippee.
Then there is Spiderman 2099, which I don’t understand why he has to look like the Spiderman from Unlimited series. He is just there, and no one cares about him, especially not me.
Then there is Spiderman Noir, who reminds me of Batman. Seriously, he does. He tries so hard to be Batman, but then realizes that bullets hurt, and the reason why Batman lives is because he’s FUCKING AWESOME!!!
Let’s recap on the recent Spiderman games in the last decade.
Spider Man 1, based on the film, was based on the gameplay of the previous games developed by Activision for the N64 and the PS1. Don’t include the Game Boy Color version, because that sucked ass. The game’s combat was the same, just with better graphics at the time. The only difference was that you didn’t have to reload your web cartridge, like a fucking shotgun.
Spider Man 2, also based on the film series, which Sam Raimi should’ve stuck to, WAS FUCKING AWESOME! It was more than awesome, it was too great for words, because it actually brought in open world sandbox fun, not sandbox boring to the point that I wanted to strangle the one who developed the game. I respected Activision for that.
“Okay,” I said, “The previous games sucked, but what the hell, right?”
So I loved it, and I’m sorry I sold it when my brother handed his PS2 to a crackhead, along with the other games, controllers, and memory cards he had; in response, that stoner sold all of that stuff, making my brother bored out of his skull.
Anyway, the combat was great, because you could press two buttons and—BEHOLD!—Spidey can do a 15 hit combo on five bad guys, making gameplay that much fun. Plus, the swinging was fucking good.
I played the third one when I noticed it was button mashing. I said, “Well, Activision, I have now lost all faith in you making anymore Spiderman games. The next time I see you, I will destroy your foot with a sledgehammer.” The graphics sucked, and if I wanted to run away from Venom at the end to regain health, I couldn’t leave because of fucking invisible walls.
I won’t play Ultimate Spiderman because you switch from Ultimate Spidey and Venom. I hate the universe and everything in it; call me classy, but that little bitch couldn’t even beat his older self because he whines too much.
I won’t play Spiderman: Web of Shadows for the reason of hearing the guys voice, because he sounds like he’s got tissues up his nose, the little prick, and quite frankly, the “moral choice” system. Plus, the combat reminds me of the third game.
And now, Spiderman: Shattered Dimensions.
If I ever get this game or play it again, I will chuck it out, find Spider Man 2, and play it, curb-stomping Activision in the face.
The whole story develops along the other Spideys in the other universes. There is the Mainstream Spidey, who we all know got bitten and survived by a radioactive spider in the 60s. For some stupid, goddamn reason, he has web shooters made with a chemical. Excuse me, but isn’t the Sam Raimi’s version of Spider Man a whole a hell lot better than the Mainstream? Hell fucking yes.
The next one is the Ultimate Spiderman. Mind you, there is nothing ultimate about him, just that he’s that little teenage boy in a grownup world that makes me want to kick him in the balls. I know we can’t get mixed up between Ultimate Spidey and Mainstream Spidey because people are not detailed with close-ups, just in color. So, yes, Ultimate Spiderman is in the Venom suit. Yippee.
Then there is Spiderman 2099, which I don’t understand why he has to look like the Spiderman from Unlimited series. He is just there, and no one cares about him, especially not me.
Then there is Spiderman Noir, who reminds me of Batman. Seriously, he does. He tries so hard to be Batman, but then realizes that bullets hurt, and the reason why Batman lives is because he’s FUCKING AWESOME!!!
Let’s recap on the recent Spiderman games in the last decade.
Spider Man 1, based on the film, was based on the gameplay of the previous games developed by Activision for the N64 and the PS1. Don’t include the Game Boy Color version, because that sucked ass. The game’s combat was the same, just with better graphics at the time. The only difference was that you didn’t have to reload your web cartridge, like a fucking shotgun.
Spider Man 2, also based on the film series, which Sam Raimi should’ve stuck to, WAS FUCKING AWESOME! It was more than awesome, it was too great for words, because it actually brought in open world sandbox fun, not sandbox boring to the point that I wanted to strangle the one who developed the game. I respected Activision for that.
“Okay,” I said, “The previous games sucked, but what the hell, right?”
So I loved it, and I’m sorry I sold it when my brother handed his PS2 to a crackhead, along with the other games, controllers, and memory cards he had; in response, that stoner sold all of that stuff, making my brother bored out of his skull.
Anyway, the combat was great, because you could press two buttons and—BEHOLD!—Spidey can do a 15 hit combo on five bad guys, making gameplay that much fun. Plus, the swinging was fucking good.
I played the third one when I noticed it was button mashing. I said, “Well, Activision, I have now lost all faith in you making anymore Spiderman games. The next time I see you, I will destroy your foot with a sledgehammer.” The graphics sucked, and if I wanted to run away from Venom at the end to regain health, I couldn’t leave because of fucking invisible walls.
I won’t play Ultimate Spiderman because you switch from Ultimate Spidey and Venom. I hate the universe and everything in it; call me classy, but that little bitch couldn’t even beat his older self because he whines too much.
I won’t play Spiderman: Web of Shadows for the reason of hearing the guys voice, because he sounds like he’s got tissues up his nose, the little prick, and quite frankly, the “moral choice” system. Plus, the combat reminds me of the third game.
And now, Spiderman: Shattered Dimensions.
If I ever get this game or play it again, I will chuck it out, find Spider Man 2, and play it, curb-stomping Activision in the face.
Friday, November 5, 2010
The Ten Top Best Games of 2010
It is my honor to post here and now the greatness of great greatness by grated greatness (?) of the video games of 2010. They were picked by voters like you and a couple of people ready to grind my balls onto cinnamon raisins.
Anyway, to the Ten Top Best Games of 2010.
*Ahem!*
10. MASS EFFECT 2
If there is one thing I like about ME2 it is that it is good at combat, but weighs heavily on the whole choice ideas, whether to be morally good or a total jackass to most of the people you meet. You get to upgrade weapons, rather than being like Solid Snake in carrying a god awful amount of guns everywhere you fucking go. Anyway, the graphics are good, the combat is OK, but the lip synching and acting, along with expression, suck. I rate this 4/5.
9. GOD OF WAR 3
Why is there another GoW? I will never know. The original GoW played with Greek Mythology and Hack-N-Slash, but never developed the storyline in the next two sequels. IT BECOMES THE SAME FUCKING THING!!!
Please develop a game that is NOT filled with gamers trying to get a boner playing with Kratos (LOL).
8. HEAVY RAIN
To quote Wikipedia, “Heavy Rain is akin to many interactive fiction games, requiring the player to move the character and have him or her interact with the objects or other non-player characters on the scene to progress the story. The game is divided into several scenes, each centering on one of four playable characters. The choices the player makes or the actions performed or not performed will affect later scenes in the game. For example, it is possible that a character dies or becomes detained, and will not be present in a later scene. There is no intermediate "game over" in Heavy Rain; the game will progress to a number of different endings depending on the sum of the player's performance even if all the characters become incapacitated in some manner. However, once the game is complete, the player can return to earlier scenes and replay them, possibly altering the events as they play through other chapters. Within most scenes, the player can control the main character by moving them around the environment; they can also hold down a button to see what thoughts are going through the character's mind, and trigger them to hear an internal monologue on that thought. When the player is near an object or another character they can interact with, they will be presented with a context sensitive icon that represents what control they need to do. These controls include pressing a button on the Dualshock controller, moving the analog sticks in a specific manner, or rotating the motion-sensitive controller in a specific way; in the version with PlayStation Move support, further actions based on the Move controllers are also present. These actions may lead to additional actions to fully complete the interaction. Some scenes impose a timer on the player, requiring them to complete the necessary actions in time to avoid the death or incapacity of that character. In other scenes, the player does not have full control of the character but must instead be prepared to respond to these icons in the manner of quick time events, such as during a hand-to-hand fight or while driving frantically on the wrong side of the road; the player does not receive a game over if these events are completed incorrectly, but may possibly alter how future scenes play out. Additionally, the game includes a difficulty level functionality that can be changed by the user at any point during the game through the menu. While adjusting the level will not alter the storyline of the game directly, a higher difficulty will influence the prompts, for example, requiring more inputs during sequences in order to avoid a failed action.”
In other words, WTF? Sure, let’s use Playstation Move. This is Sony we are talking about, and the only thing they were good at was making a PS2. I rate this a 1/5
7. BIOSHOCK 2
In the original Bioshock, you play a dude who plays with a wrench in his spare time with an interesting storyline at the end. The game generally is supposed to scare the living hell out of your shit maker. It is a first-person, which makes it that interesting a story. But it is just like System Shock 2, which makes me wonder if it was even the same company.
Truthfully, I never got interested into the series, so bitch and moan at me, gamers, because I say it is a 2/5.
6. STREET FIGHTER 4
Like NAMCO, we need to have another sequel to the Street Fighter series, which came out to two movies produced in Hollywood. Again, it is 2D and the controls are so retarded I literally had to experiment with buttons in order to get more than a punch and kick after the guy has wailed on me with a 20 hit fucking combo.
I hate CAPCOM and all it stands for. I hate their retarded stories and their retarded games. And most importantly, I hate Street Fighter.
Moving on to…….
5. SPLINTER CELL: CONVICTION
Again with the SC series? Damn, that is too much. I think we Americans are trying to develop a Solid Snake of our own, with a mixture of Gabe Logan, Ethan Hunt, and James Bond. Wait, he’s not American.
I never heard this game being advertised until people smacked me with this so, fuck them, I don’t want to blog about this one.
4. HALO REACH
I was really looking forward to a new HALO game, just not this one. The graphics are appraised, the gameplay is vicious, but the title……..
Come on, Bungie! Talk not of the past. Reach got fucked up, and we know it, for it was repeated 600 times in Halo 1 and 2.
Anyway, the gameplay is like the previous games, except they couldn’t stick with the dueling mode, which I can understand, because of Halo 1. If you want to know more, go to see YuritZen on Xanga.com.
I rate this 3/5, just because of the graphics and gameplay.
3. FINAL FANTASY XIII
I never had any interest of any Final Fantasy games after Seven, so I am tossing this out.
2. STAR CRAFT 2
Again with a strategy online game. Dammit, God didn’t have this many problems looking down and leading people. I see the whole, “Move Unit Here” mode a waste of my time.
I rate you a 0/5 Star Craft because I hate your series and I despise your makers.
And the Number 1 game of 2010 is………………………………………………………………………
SUPER MARIO GALAXY 2!!!!
That’s right! Suck it, gamers!
While this game may have been fun, it was addicting-lee fun! It was so fun I couldn’t wait to get carpel tunnel braces for my wrist after using a Wii controller. For fuck’s sake! Use a fucking button controller with hand-eye-coordination, ya dumbasses.
The gameplay reminded me too much of Mario 64, except the fact I couldn’t punch three times to get a kick out of shrooms (ha. Ha. Ha.) and some of the other moves still exist, and of course there was whole weird part from Nintendo: eating mushrooms makes you high—er—grows, riding a Nemekian, sorry, green fucking dinosaurs, and using rock hats and cloud hats for educational purposes on getting high or stoned. I rate this game a 4/5.
Well, that’s all I have today, Gamers, so stop by and give my site a visit of hate-mail. I can’t wait.
Anyway, to the Ten Top Best Games of 2010.
*Ahem!*
10. MASS EFFECT 2
If there is one thing I like about ME2 it is that it is good at combat, but weighs heavily on the whole choice ideas, whether to be morally good or a total jackass to most of the people you meet. You get to upgrade weapons, rather than being like Solid Snake in carrying a god awful amount of guns everywhere you fucking go. Anyway, the graphics are good, the combat is OK, but the lip synching and acting, along with expression, suck. I rate this 4/5.
9. GOD OF WAR 3
Why is there another GoW? I will never know. The original GoW played with Greek Mythology and Hack-N-Slash, but never developed the storyline in the next two sequels. IT BECOMES THE SAME FUCKING THING!!!
Please develop a game that is NOT filled with gamers trying to get a boner playing with Kratos (LOL).
8. HEAVY RAIN
To quote Wikipedia, “Heavy Rain is akin to many interactive fiction games, requiring the player to move the character and have him or her interact with the objects or other non-player characters on the scene to progress the story. The game is divided into several scenes, each centering on one of four playable characters. The choices the player makes or the actions performed or not performed will affect later scenes in the game. For example, it is possible that a character dies or becomes detained, and will not be present in a later scene. There is no intermediate "game over" in Heavy Rain; the game will progress to a number of different endings depending on the sum of the player's performance even if all the characters become incapacitated in some manner. However, once the game is complete, the player can return to earlier scenes and replay them, possibly altering the events as they play through other chapters. Within most scenes, the player can control the main character by moving them around the environment; they can also hold down a button to see what thoughts are going through the character's mind, and trigger them to hear an internal monologue on that thought. When the player is near an object or another character they can interact with, they will be presented with a context sensitive icon that represents what control they need to do. These controls include pressing a button on the Dualshock controller, moving the analog sticks in a specific manner, or rotating the motion-sensitive controller in a specific way; in the version with PlayStation Move support, further actions based on the Move controllers are also present. These actions may lead to additional actions to fully complete the interaction. Some scenes impose a timer on the player, requiring them to complete the necessary actions in time to avoid the death or incapacity of that character. In other scenes, the player does not have full control of the character but must instead be prepared to respond to these icons in the manner of quick time events, such as during a hand-to-hand fight or while driving frantically on the wrong side of the road; the player does not receive a game over if these events are completed incorrectly, but may possibly alter how future scenes play out. Additionally, the game includes a difficulty level functionality that can be changed by the user at any point during the game through the menu. While adjusting the level will not alter the storyline of the game directly, a higher difficulty will influence the prompts, for example, requiring more inputs during sequences in order to avoid a failed action.”
In other words, WTF? Sure, let’s use Playstation Move. This is Sony we are talking about, and the only thing they were good at was making a PS2. I rate this a 1/5
7. BIOSHOCK 2
In the original Bioshock, you play a dude who plays with a wrench in his spare time with an interesting storyline at the end. The game generally is supposed to scare the living hell out of your shit maker. It is a first-person, which makes it that interesting a story. But it is just like System Shock 2, which makes me wonder if it was even the same company.
Truthfully, I never got interested into the series, so bitch and moan at me, gamers, because I say it is a 2/5.
6. STREET FIGHTER 4
Like NAMCO, we need to have another sequel to the Street Fighter series, which came out to two movies produced in Hollywood. Again, it is 2D and the controls are so retarded I literally had to experiment with buttons in order to get more than a punch and kick after the guy has wailed on me with a 20 hit fucking combo.
I hate CAPCOM and all it stands for. I hate their retarded stories and their retarded games. And most importantly, I hate Street Fighter.
Moving on to…….
5. SPLINTER CELL: CONVICTION
Again with the SC series? Damn, that is too much. I think we Americans are trying to develop a Solid Snake of our own, with a mixture of Gabe Logan, Ethan Hunt, and James Bond. Wait, he’s not American.
I never heard this game being advertised until people smacked me with this so, fuck them, I don’t want to blog about this one.
4. HALO REACH
I was really looking forward to a new HALO game, just not this one. The graphics are appraised, the gameplay is vicious, but the title……..
Come on, Bungie! Talk not of the past. Reach got fucked up, and we know it, for it was repeated 600 times in Halo 1 and 2.
Anyway, the gameplay is like the previous games, except they couldn’t stick with the dueling mode, which I can understand, because of Halo 1. If you want to know more, go to see YuritZen on Xanga.com.
I rate this 3/5, just because of the graphics and gameplay.
3. FINAL FANTASY XIII
I never had any interest of any Final Fantasy games after Seven, so I am tossing this out.
2. STAR CRAFT 2
Again with a strategy online game. Dammit, God didn’t have this many problems looking down and leading people. I see the whole, “Move Unit Here” mode a waste of my time.
I rate you a 0/5 Star Craft because I hate your series and I despise your makers.
And the Number 1 game of 2010 is………………………………………………………………………
SUPER MARIO GALAXY 2!!!!
That’s right! Suck it, gamers!
While this game may have been fun, it was addicting-lee fun! It was so fun I couldn’t wait to get carpel tunnel braces for my wrist after using a Wii controller. For fuck’s sake! Use a fucking button controller with hand-eye-coordination, ya dumbasses.
The gameplay reminded me too much of Mario 64, except the fact I couldn’t punch three times to get a kick out of shrooms (ha. Ha. Ha.) and some of the other moves still exist, and of course there was whole weird part from Nintendo: eating mushrooms makes you high—er—grows, riding a Nemekian, sorry, green fucking dinosaurs, and using rock hats and cloud hats for educational purposes on getting high or stoned. I rate this game a 4/5.
Well, that’s all I have today, Gamers, so stop by and give my site a visit of hate-mail. I can’t wait.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Slapp Happy Says: The City of the Retarded
When there is no more room in Hell, the dead will walk the earth.
Favorite quote for Dead Rising, except they rose by mutated wasp queens planting eggs in them. I find that hard to believe, but this is CAPCOM, so that would make sense to them. Like in Resident Evil, the T-Virus and G-Virus were transported via rats. Which begged the question: how did the rats survive the mutations while other species didn’t?
Anyway, back to the new zombie killing game. Instead of four people, there’s just you, and 7000 zombies all in one sitting. Instead of finding a shit ton of loaded weapons lying around, you have melee weapons, and anyting can be used as a weapon. And I mean, ANYTHING can be used as a weapon (except for food, of course).
The game sets up some time after the events of DR1, where ex-motocross champion Chuck Greeeeeeeene and his daughter escaped an outbreak in Las Vegas. He goes from one game to another, bringing big money so he can buy Anti-zombie drugs for his infected daughter. So, instead of taking pictures for your rep, you have to bring Zombrex to your daughter to keep her from turning.
Bad things, like all zombie/horror movies, happen as someone releases stored zombies for a reality game show on killing zombies. So, another outbreak occurs, and this time, Chucky is framed for the outbreak, even though we know he didn’t do it. EPIC PLOT TWIST!!!!
You have five things to do constantly in this game.
1. Rescue survivors-just because it’s an outbreak doesn’t mean that everybody got fucked up. There are still some people, and rescuing them gives you points to learn new moves and new weapons. They can wade through hordes of zombies like nothing, but after so many survivors, they will ask you for money. Note: Ignore the Survivors in the beginning. They can’t be rescued!
2. Solving CASES-there are the main missions which moves the story forward. These get you to know who started the outbreak and who framed Chuck. Also, pop some corn, because you get to watch cut scenes. Yay for cut scenes.
3. Fighting Bosses-Unlike Resident Evil, where the bosses are so large and have ridiculous amounts of health, and the room is either tight or too cramped; there are human bosses in which you go up against. They have massive health bars and can eat something to regain more health than you can from an orange juice. They are the psychos that kill Humans for some reason and the zombies won’t even go for them, which pisses me off.
4. Getting Zombrex-One thing you must do when the time comes is get a drug for your terminally ill child. Your support character reminds you to get Zombrex and administer it to her. Zombrex, the drug to prevent infected humans from becoming zombies, is very rare and very expensive. It is also rare to get it from survivors you escort.
5. KILLING ZOMBIES!!!!!- 7000 Zombies on a screen. You and multiple weapons. Have fun!!!
Besides the whole side missions and main mission, where you’re timed on (sucks), the graphics are good, especially the expressions on the face and the voice acting is good. The only thing that is terrible is that you get knocked down by the bosses and you can’t knock them down. The fuck! They’re Human, not fucking terminators. Another option is that you can combine weapons to make killer new weapons, like a chainsaw and a broom stick, but not a knife and a bamboo stick. Some combos can be used for killer and gruesome moves, even if it’s for shits and giggles because it’s a novelty.
I recommend this game if you are a fan of the undead and want to survive an zombie apocalypse and a fan of MegaMan, because someone at CAPCOM certainly is. If you don’t because you think it’s scary, then you haven’t seen scary to the point where it makes you POOP YOUR PANTS!!!
Favorite quote for Dead Rising, except they rose by mutated wasp queens planting eggs in them. I find that hard to believe, but this is CAPCOM, so that would make sense to them. Like in Resident Evil, the T-Virus and G-Virus were transported via rats. Which begged the question: how did the rats survive the mutations while other species didn’t?
Anyway, back to the new zombie killing game. Instead of four people, there’s just you, and 7000 zombies all in one sitting. Instead of finding a shit ton of loaded weapons lying around, you have melee weapons, and anyting can be used as a weapon. And I mean, ANYTHING can be used as a weapon (except for food, of course).
The game sets up some time after the events of DR1, where ex-motocross champion Chuck Greeeeeeeene and his daughter escaped an outbreak in Las Vegas. He goes from one game to another, bringing big money so he can buy Anti-zombie drugs for his infected daughter. So, instead of taking pictures for your rep, you have to bring Zombrex to your daughter to keep her from turning.
Bad things, like all zombie/horror movies, happen as someone releases stored zombies for a reality game show on killing zombies. So, another outbreak occurs, and this time, Chucky is framed for the outbreak, even though we know he didn’t do it. EPIC PLOT TWIST!!!!
You have five things to do constantly in this game.
1. Rescue survivors-just because it’s an outbreak doesn’t mean that everybody got fucked up. There are still some people, and rescuing them gives you points to learn new moves and new weapons. They can wade through hordes of zombies like nothing, but after so many survivors, they will ask you for money. Note: Ignore the Survivors in the beginning. They can’t be rescued!
2. Solving CASES-there are the main missions which moves the story forward. These get you to know who started the outbreak and who framed Chuck. Also, pop some corn, because you get to watch cut scenes. Yay for cut scenes.
3. Fighting Bosses-Unlike Resident Evil, where the bosses are so large and have ridiculous amounts of health, and the room is either tight or too cramped; there are human bosses in which you go up against. They have massive health bars and can eat something to regain more health than you can from an orange juice. They are the psychos that kill Humans for some reason and the zombies won’t even go for them, which pisses me off.
4. Getting Zombrex-One thing you must do when the time comes is get a drug for your terminally ill child. Your support character reminds you to get Zombrex and administer it to her. Zombrex, the drug to prevent infected humans from becoming zombies, is very rare and very expensive. It is also rare to get it from survivors you escort.
5. KILLING ZOMBIES!!!!!- 7000 Zombies on a screen. You and multiple weapons. Have fun!!!
Besides the whole side missions and main mission, where you’re timed on (sucks), the graphics are good, especially the expressions on the face and the voice acting is good. The only thing that is terrible is that you get knocked down by the bosses and you can’t knock them down. The fuck! They’re Human, not fucking terminators. Another option is that you can combine weapons to make killer new weapons, like a chainsaw and a broom stick, but not a knife and a bamboo stick. Some combos can be used for killer and gruesome moves, even if it’s for shits and giggles because it’s a novelty.
I recommend this game if you are a fan of the undead and want to survive an zombie apocalypse and a fan of MegaMan, because someone at CAPCOM certainly is. If you don’t because you think it’s scary, then you haven’t seen scary to the point where it makes you POOP YOUR PANTS!!!
Friday, October 15, 2010
Slapp Happy Says: Barn Burning in SMALLVILLE
It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a failed show that is finally ending!
Yes, ladies, Tom Welling will not be taking off his shirt anymore after this. So cry me a fucking river and listen to Justin Bieber while slitting your wrists while having a period.
The tenth and season of Smallville has come at the end of the journey that has disappointed many Superman fans after season 5. The first season was good, but then it got weirder and weirder when it got to Season 6. You would always think this or that was the season when Clark would finally be Superman.
According to the fucked up writing staff of Smallville, this is the season in which Clark embraces his destiny and becomes Earth’s greatest protector. Why couldn’t do that in Seasons 8 or 9? I don’t know, but I was really disappointed in both.
The show begins with Baby Clark’s arrival in Smallville during a meteor shower that can enable people to have powers and can kill them or people in the long run. Clark fights these psychos and some of them use their power for good. Then the show grows into a more drastic and dark show, filled with a depressed young Superman who should’ve taken a kryptonite knife and slit his own wrists.
The characters stem from the mainstream universe, and new characters have been placed as Clark’s foes or friends. In Season 1, there was Lana Lang, played by Kristen Kreuke, who was Clark’s love interest for four seasons and left after season 7. YAY! Now she can marry Pete Ross.
Speaking of Pete Ross, portrayed by Sam Jones III, he becomes a stretchy dude after eating Krypto Gum. Wtf? Anyway, he leaves the show in the third season. I don’t have a problem with his ethnic background, but wasn’t Pete Ross white?
Next, there is Lex Luthor, played beautifully by Michael Rosenbaum, was and always shall be the enemy of Clark. I try to understand how he was killed in Season 8 while he is the exact opposite of Clark, and if he’s taken out of the equation, who fills his place? Batman?
Anyway, the Kent Parents, played by John Schiender and Annette O’Toole, are in this as well, except that Jonathan dies in Season 5 and Martha leaves in Season 6. Pain in the ass, I know. New characters were added and taken away.
Lionel Luthor, the father of Lex, played by John Glover, lives from Season’s 1 to 7. And yes, Lex kills his dad. Epic spoiler!!!
Chloe Sullivan, played by the beautiful Allison Mack, has remained on the show since the first season. She plays as the best friend and knowledge of Clark and gains some abilities. Weird.
Anyway, besides the long list of regulars that have come and gone throughout the rest of the series, I was really disappointed in Season 8. I mean, I was really expecting a two hour long battle between Clark and Doomsday. But it was reduced to three minutes in the finale. Pisses me off.
Have any of you notice that in almost everything related to Superman that Doomsday is portrayed as a dumb monster, capable of only destruction, havoc, and grim death?
Doomsday was a thinking creature. Not a killing machine. Clark can’t die to Doomsday’s hands until he’s Superman, which I have hoped he would become, but that’s just me.
Yes, ladies, Tom Welling will not be taking off his shirt anymore after this. So cry me a fucking river and listen to Justin Bieber while slitting your wrists while having a period.
The tenth and season of Smallville has come at the end of the journey that has disappointed many Superman fans after season 5. The first season was good, but then it got weirder and weirder when it got to Season 6. You would always think this or that was the season when Clark would finally be Superman.
According to the fucked up writing staff of Smallville, this is the season in which Clark embraces his destiny and becomes Earth’s greatest protector. Why couldn’t do that in Seasons 8 or 9? I don’t know, but I was really disappointed in both.
The show begins with Baby Clark’s arrival in Smallville during a meteor shower that can enable people to have powers and can kill them or people in the long run. Clark fights these psychos and some of them use their power for good. Then the show grows into a more drastic and dark show, filled with a depressed young Superman who should’ve taken a kryptonite knife and slit his own wrists.
The characters stem from the mainstream universe, and new characters have been placed as Clark’s foes or friends. In Season 1, there was Lana Lang, played by Kristen Kreuke, who was Clark’s love interest for four seasons and left after season 7. YAY! Now she can marry Pete Ross.
Speaking of Pete Ross, portrayed by Sam Jones III, he becomes a stretchy dude after eating Krypto Gum. Wtf? Anyway, he leaves the show in the third season. I don’t have a problem with his ethnic background, but wasn’t Pete Ross white?
Next, there is Lex Luthor, played beautifully by Michael Rosenbaum, was and always shall be the enemy of Clark. I try to understand how he was killed in Season 8 while he is the exact opposite of Clark, and if he’s taken out of the equation, who fills his place? Batman?
Anyway, the Kent Parents, played by John Schiender and Annette O’Toole, are in this as well, except that Jonathan dies in Season 5 and Martha leaves in Season 6. Pain in the ass, I know. New characters were added and taken away.
Lionel Luthor, the father of Lex, played by John Glover, lives from Season’s 1 to 7. And yes, Lex kills his dad. Epic spoiler!!!
Chloe Sullivan, played by the beautiful Allison Mack, has remained on the show since the first season. She plays as the best friend and knowledge of Clark and gains some abilities. Weird.
Anyway, besides the long list of regulars that have come and gone throughout the rest of the series, I was really disappointed in Season 8. I mean, I was really expecting a two hour long battle between Clark and Doomsday. But it was reduced to three minutes in the finale. Pisses me off.
Have any of you notice that in almost everything related to Superman that Doomsday is portrayed as a dumb monster, capable of only destruction, havoc, and grim death?
Doomsday was a thinking creature. Not a killing machine. Clark can’t die to Doomsday’s hands until he’s Superman, which I have hoped he would become, but that’s just me.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Slapp Happy Says: Mario Galaxy 1.5
I can say straight away that Mario Galaxy 2 is fun, I can also say that the game is a constant repeat of the same thing: the princess Peach is kidnapped by Bowser and the Italian plumber Mario goes to save her. The game controls is kinda difficult for me, all for the sake of the Wii controls of trying to actually move the character while standing trying to aim the damn thing.
Mario goes on an adventure through three galaxies in search for the princess. I don’t know if you had noticed, but every main character that’s a female in Nintendo is blond. Zelda, Samus, and Peach, as if brown and brunette were the things of the past.
Mario was once known as Jump Man and that Peach was the damsel in distress in the hands of Donkey Kong, who flung barrels at Jump Man to stop him. Mario went up against DK once, and so Nintendo changed his nemesis from a giant ape to a giant lizard.
Bowser was once known as King Koopa, but Koopa has been known nowadays as Koopa the Quick and a mushroom Koopa. And Bowser has a kid. When the hell did that happen? He was introduced in Yoshi’s Story, the game where every color of the fucking rainbow is in the game, which was a platform game.
The thing which gets me is that Mario could do awesome acrobatic moves in Mario 64 but that was limited in Mario Galaxy 2. He’s a cartoon character, his fists are going to expand and he’s most likely going to flatten when dropping from a high area. Another thing which has been removed is the shell surfing. It used be real fun: take down a turtle and surf on its shell. You’re practically invincible to Koopas and you can watch them explode into little puffs of smoke.
Well, hell, I thought that would be a lot cooler.
There are several things you may do in the game which do not make sense; like shooting a bunch of star gems into little stars to make planets or worlds. Also, you get other people to help you out (like they really do) and you’re towing a Mushroom Man ship. They all say, “We’ll help you, Mario!” and they never fucking do.
You also get trophies in your ship which is a flying head of Mario. I’ve always wondered if the designers were getting high while making the previous games, or were trying to encourage children by telling them to take mushrooms to get bigger. You use different effects to get through certain levels, like a drill bit and the rock mode, which you can keep for a long, other than the hats in Mario 64, which after a awhile you couldn’t keep.
If you obviously want to spend the rest of your days in a basement just playing this game, you’re no different than the losers who play WoW in their parents’ basement. I highly recommend this game if you want to be alone for more than 24 hours.
Something to think about: Peach, Samus, and Zelda are all blonds. No wonder they get attacked like that by bad guys.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Slapp Happy Says: Desperate Hoe Bags
At first, my thought of DH was that—Housewives who were desperate for adventure and sex with other men other than their husbands. Apparently, you would think that they were doing a soft-core pornographic show available on National TV. But, after watching the show from Season 1 to Season 6, I can see why it is so hugely popular. The show is a dramedy: a combination of comedy and drama, two things everyone thought should stay separate, but put them together and you have what they call a pretty good show.
The show focuses around several of the women who live on a street where they wear the pants in any and all situation. More and more, the men on the show start growing a pair of balls and actually settle things domestically.
The first one is Susan Meyer, portrayed by Terry Hatcher, you know, the one who got fucked then killed in Tomorrow Never Dies and was in love with Superman in the New Advntures of Lois and Clark? Anyway, she plays a character that was married to a womanizer and then falls in love with a plumber. She somehow drags the attention to her. What I mean by drag is that she always places the spotlight on herself so that drama can find her.
The second one is Bree Van de Camp/Hodge, played by the stern Marcia Cross, is an OCD individual who tries not to show her emotions except through alcohol. Yay beer! Anyway, she was married to a doctor for almost 20 years when he cheated on her and died by his associate’s hand for Bree. Somehow, all the crazy men on this show run to her and nestle her. She marries a second time to a dentist who is now in wheel chair due to a fight with Susan’s ex-husband. Oh, the complications of adult drama!
The third one is Lynette Scavo, played by actress Felicity Huffman, is a tough and all out with fists and wits in the show. Not only do she and her husband have a huge family, but they are still together. You would think that her husband would walk out for being too controlled by his wife when he agrees with her on every single thing. She has given birth to five children, and you have to wonder whether or not they are Greek. She loves her husband very much and so does he. Ahhh! True love.
The fourth one is Gabrielle Solis, a bit of bitch played by the ever so beautiful Latino actress Eva Longoria Parker. She always brings others down by her smart remarks and rude behavior, but always comes back saying I’m sorry from the bottom of her heart. She is married to a rich guy, cheats on him, gets a divorce, goes broke, gets married to the mayor, becomes a widow, gets married to the rich guy, has two kids broke, and now is a mom with richness. So now, she went from rich bitch to richy bitchy in seven seasons.
The fifth is Edie Brit, played by Nicollette Sheridan, is portrayed as the whore of Wisteria Lane. Every guy she sees she sleeps with, and has some sort of rivalry with Susan Meyer for the plumber. She is married three times before dying in the fifth season, due to her third husband’s plan. She became part of the circle of friends later but was still considered a slut. In the series, she has a son named Travis, who is now in college.
The sixth being Katherine Mayfair, another red-head who goes from secretive to crazy, played by Dana Delany. She was Susan’s best friend and returns to the lane with a secret that happened years ago. She likes the plumber, and loses it when he marries Susan and then ultimately loses it when she became a lesbian. I actually had to search for her names on Google because, I couldn’t, for the life of me, remember the bitch’s name.
The seventh housewife who replaces Katherine is Renee Perry, played by Vanessa Williams. I was surprised to see her join DH, mainly because I haven’t seen her act since The Odyssey and Johnson Family Vacation. She comes to Lynette’s house from New York, in which she is married to New York Yankee star, and asks to stay awhile. You can immediately tell that she was either divorced or has separated from the baseball player just by how she acted. Yippee for mysteriousness.
The show has a good atmosphere to present to the audience: good cast, good storyline, great comedy, and of course, the cliffhangers and constant confusion. I like a show that keeps something cleverly hidden until its revealed and then you gasp in terror when the secret is out, rather than seeing the shadowed person or topic at hand, which V failed to do so and so did No Ordinary Family. I guess DH is staying on air for awhile, and it’s not going anywhere. I can guess that people are going to feel the same way they did when FRIENDS left the TV screen: blubbering for forty bloody days!
The show focuses around several of the women who live on a street where they wear the pants in any and all situation. More and more, the men on the show start growing a pair of balls and actually settle things domestically.
The first one is Susan Meyer, portrayed by Terry Hatcher, you know, the one who got fucked then killed in Tomorrow Never Dies and was in love with Superman in the New Advntures of Lois and Clark? Anyway, she plays a character that was married to a womanizer and then falls in love with a plumber. She somehow drags the attention to her. What I mean by drag is that she always places the spotlight on herself so that drama can find her.
The second one is Bree Van de Camp/Hodge, played by the stern Marcia Cross, is an OCD individual who tries not to show her emotions except through alcohol. Yay beer! Anyway, she was married to a doctor for almost 20 years when he cheated on her and died by his associate’s hand for Bree. Somehow, all the crazy men on this show run to her and nestle her. She marries a second time to a dentist who is now in wheel chair due to a fight with Susan’s ex-husband. Oh, the complications of adult drama!
The third one is Lynette Scavo, played by actress Felicity Huffman, is a tough and all out with fists and wits in the show. Not only do she and her husband have a huge family, but they are still together. You would think that her husband would walk out for being too controlled by his wife when he agrees with her on every single thing. She has given birth to five children, and you have to wonder whether or not they are Greek. She loves her husband very much and so does he. Ahhh! True love.
The fourth one is Gabrielle Solis, a bit of bitch played by the ever so beautiful Latino actress Eva Longoria Parker. She always brings others down by her smart remarks and rude behavior, but always comes back saying I’m sorry from the bottom of her heart. She is married to a rich guy, cheats on him, gets a divorce, goes broke, gets married to the mayor, becomes a widow, gets married to the rich guy, has two kids broke, and now is a mom with richness. So now, she went from rich bitch to richy bitchy in seven seasons.
The fifth is Edie Brit, played by Nicollette Sheridan, is portrayed as the whore of Wisteria Lane. Every guy she sees she sleeps with, and has some sort of rivalry with Susan Meyer for the plumber. She is married three times before dying in the fifth season, due to her third husband’s plan. She became part of the circle of friends later but was still considered a slut. In the series, she has a son named Travis, who is now in college.
The sixth being Katherine Mayfair, another red-head who goes from secretive to crazy, played by Dana Delany. She was Susan’s best friend and returns to the lane with a secret that happened years ago. She likes the plumber, and loses it when he marries Susan and then ultimately loses it when she became a lesbian. I actually had to search for her names on Google because, I couldn’t, for the life of me, remember the bitch’s name.
The seventh housewife who replaces Katherine is Renee Perry, played by Vanessa Williams. I was surprised to see her join DH, mainly because I haven’t seen her act since The Odyssey and Johnson Family Vacation. She comes to Lynette’s house from New York, in which she is married to New York Yankee star, and asks to stay awhile. You can immediately tell that she was either divorced or has separated from the baseball player just by how she acted. Yippee for mysteriousness.
The show has a good atmosphere to present to the audience: good cast, good storyline, great comedy, and of course, the cliffhangers and constant confusion. I like a show that keeps something cleverly hidden until its revealed and then you gasp in terror when the secret is out, rather than seeing the shadowed person or topic at hand, which V failed to do so and so did No Ordinary Family. I guess DH is staying on air for awhile, and it’s not going anywhere. I can guess that people are going to feel the same way they did when FRIENDS left the TV screen: blubbering for forty bloody days!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Slapp Happy Says: Left 4 No One and too much
L4D is a survival horror game without much of the horror in it. It had the surviving part against hordes of smacking zombies who thinks biting is gay and that hitting you continuously is just plain silly. They kinda remind me of the rabid zombies from the new Dawn of the Dead, which still gives me nightmares. It had freaky fat guys that can puke on you to attract more zombies. So when you walk into a room kill all the zombies, then you have one fat guy puke on you, seven hundred thousand more zombies pop out of nowhere and beat the living shit out of you.
With its tedious rules and gameplay, it was generally good. Except you can’t haul an arsenal of weapons and side-weapons, which pretty much sucks. The only way you can fight if you have one rifle and one pistol, and your choices of weapons are a shotgun, an uzi, a sniper rifle, an assault rifle, and an additional pistol. Oh the joy of having duals that won’t run out of ammo! The side weapons of choice are, and you can only HAVE ONE OR THE OTHER, as follows: a Molotov or a pipe bomb for throwing, a health kit or pain killers for healing, or a flashlight, which you cannot get rid of.
Any of the zombies come in contact with you, you can just shove back, which at any case, feels like bashing your head against the wall because a mob of dead people hitting you is pretty much that.
Have I mentioned special undead before? Yes, in this game, there are special undead you face in the game, much like Resident Evil or BioHazerd, depending which c***sucking country you’re from, many which are named by the less intellectual picking their noses with the nozzles of their weapons. We have—drum-roll please—these “Special Infected,” which makes them sound like mentally retarded people:
The Boomer: This is the fat guy who pukes on you to attract more zombies. Oh, f***-berries! Blow it up with a shotgun to feel bigger than Jesus Christ. Thank you, Barely Political, for that phrase.
The Smoker: He is a guy that coughs and explodes into a puff of smoke when dying. I don’t know why he’s called this, maybe because licker would either be offensive to women or sound like heaven to heavy drinkers when he lashes out his tongue to grab a Survivor and crush him/her to death.
The Hunter: He’s a f***ing creeper in a hoody with claws that pounces people and performs horrible plastic surgery on their faces. He climbs walls like a Spider-Ma—er—Hoody-Man—would do.
The Tank: A brown poop version of the Hulk, except more big arms and less legs and a small head. He will knock you down and beat the living shit out of you. Plus, he throws objects at you from pulling rubble from the ground, which begs the question: how is the ground still intact after he rips the pavement away? And how the hell are you still intact after he threw rocks at your face? Oh, wait you’re one of the main characters.
Then there’s the annoying Bitch, I mean Witch: She is the only infected that’s “special” (retarded) that’s blond. Why Valve chose this, I have no idea. When up close, she’s pretty f***ing scary, with glowing red eyes and sharp teeth. Spooky. She is dressed lightly, as seen in bra and underwear, and when she cries, she drags your stupid ass into the scene, and she literally scratches your eyeballs out with her hooker nails. Basically she knocks you over, and when you think you’re drunk and about to get laid, it doesn’t work like that with this one. Lights startle her and she runs after you.
For the Survivors, which are Bill, a Vietnam Vet, Zoe, a chick who is tough, Louis, the only brother who is a white collar in the group, and Francis, a horrible name given to a biker dude. I think we can call Bill Dick, Zoe as Hotness, Louis as Lou, and Francis as Frank. They all seem to know each other and have known how to shoot a gun. They have to help you out if you’re pinned, on the ground, or hanging over a ledge, which I don’t understand why you need help when you pull yourself up off the F***ING LEDGE!!!
L4D2 delivers the same package, except with higher graphics, more weapons, newer enemies, and better gameplay. The rules still apply, as it did in the last game, but this one develops an actual story. Gee, why couldn’t we do that in the first one while we just threw a bunch of ideas in and no plot points?
Instead of the original cast, you play as four more survivors in the south, then the survivors from the north. I think there is some sort of reference between the two when talking about the civil war.
Anyway, the new guys and gal is Nick, a pompous asshole who goes into leader-mode, which we could call him “Doc,” Rochelle, an African-American female newsreporter who is a bitch and bitches more than the annoying Bitch, er Witch, and PMS’s more frequently than Zoe did, Coach, a fat African-American who loves chocolate, as seen stuffing in his fat face in the intro vid, and Ellis, who is a tow-truck driver who wants to get into Rochelle’s pants and claim her as his slave, because of his heavy southern accent.
There are now Special Zombies, as if the first ones had to be retarded in order to be special by being blown to bits by shotguns and pipe bombs. Zombies in Hazmat Suits are non-flammable, zombies in the swamp throw poo at you, zombies that continuously honks their noses because their clowns, (If there is one thing I hate in this world, it is clowns. Putting them with zombies means whoever did so needs to be hit in the head with a shovel and then pissed on by a pregnant nanny.) and zombies that wear SWAT vests.
The same old Mentally Retarded—I mean—Special Infected, return with new classmates: The Jockey, which jumps on you and rides your ass into walls or the horde, the Charger, which is the first stage of the Tank, and the Spitter, a pregnant hooker that spews her gonorrhea at you.
Besides the graphics and plot, these two games have made zombie killing much more fun but that much more boring at the same time. The gameplay of both games are thus follows: Grab weapons and items, leave point of origin, fight a shitload of zombies, and get into the safe-house, which is just a metal door with bars. Why waste time on the first one when the second one is greater than Resident Evil 5? I still try to understand the movie posters, as if the designers all grew up in the 70s when horror movies basically SUCKED!
With its tedious rules and gameplay, it was generally good. Except you can’t haul an arsenal of weapons and side-weapons, which pretty much sucks. The only way you can fight if you have one rifle and one pistol, and your choices of weapons are a shotgun, an uzi, a sniper rifle, an assault rifle, and an additional pistol. Oh the joy of having duals that won’t run out of ammo! The side weapons of choice are, and you can only HAVE ONE OR THE OTHER, as follows: a Molotov or a pipe bomb for throwing, a health kit or pain killers for healing, or a flashlight, which you cannot get rid of.
Any of the zombies come in contact with you, you can just shove back, which at any case, feels like bashing your head against the wall because a mob of dead people hitting you is pretty much that.
Have I mentioned special undead before? Yes, in this game, there are special undead you face in the game, much like Resident Evil or BioHazerd, depending which c***sucking country you’re from, many which are named by the less intellectual picking their noses with the nozzles of their weapons. We have—drum-roll please—these “Special Infected,” which makes them sound like mentally retarded people:
The Boomer: This is the fat guy who pukes on you to attract more zombies. Oh, f***-berries! Blow it up with a shotgun to feel bigger than Jesus Christ. Thank you, Barely Political, for that phrase.
The Smoker: He is a guy that coughs and explodes into a puff of smoke when dying. I don’t know why he’s called this, maybe because licker would either be offensive to women or sound like heaven to heavy drinkers when he lashes out his tongue to grab a Survivor and crush him/her to death.
The Hunter: He’s a f***ing creeper in a hoody with claws that pounces people and performs horrible plastic surgery on their faces. He climbs walls like a Spider-Ma—er—Hoody-Man—would do.
The Tank: A brown poop version of the Hulk, except more big arms and less legs and a small head. He will knock you down and beat the living shit out of you. Plus, he throws objects at you from pulling rubble from the ground, which begs the question: how is the ground still intact after he rips the pavement away? And how the hell are you still intact after he threw rocks at your face? Oh, wait you’re one of the main characters.
Then there’s the annoying Bitch, I mean Witch: She is the only infected that’s “special” (retarded) that’s blond. Why Valve chose this, I have no idea. When up close, she’s pretty f***ing scary, with glowing red eyes and sharp teeth. Spooky. She is dressed lightly, as seen in bra and underwear, and when she cries, she drags your stupid ass into the scene, and she literally scratches your eyeballs out with her hooker nails. Basically she knocks you over, and when you think you’re drunk and about to get laid, it doesn’t work like that with this one. Lights startle her and she runs after you.
For the Survivors, which are Bill, a Vietnam Vet, Zoe, a chick who is tough, Louis, the only brother who is a white collar in the group, and Francis, a horrible name given to a biker dude. I think we can call Bill Dick, Zoe as Hotness, Louis as Lou, and Francis as Frank. They all seem to know each other and have known how to shoot a gun. They have to help you out if you’re pinned, on the ground, or hanging over a ledge, which I don’t understand why you need help when you pull yourself up off the F***ING LEDGE!!!
L4D2 delivers the same package, except with higher graphics, more weapons, newer enemies, and better gameplay. The rules still apply, as it did in the last game, but this one develops an actual story. Gee, why couldn’t we do that in the first one while we just threw a bunch of ideas in and no plot points?
Instead of the original cast, you play as four more survivors in the south, then the survivors from the north. I think there is some sort of reference between the two when talking about the civil war.
Anyway, the new guys and gal is Nick, a pompous asshole who goes into leader-mode, which we could call him “Doc,” Rochelle, an African-American female newsreporter who is a bitch and bitches more than the annoying Bitch, er Witch, and PMS’s more frequently than Zoe did, Coach, a fat African-American who loves chocolate, as seen stuffing in his fat face in the intro vid, and Ellis, who is a tow-truck driver who wants to get into Rochelle’s pants and claim her as his slave, because of his heavy southern accent.
There are now Special Zombies, as if the first ones had to be retarded in order to be special by being blown to bits by shotguns and pipe bombs. Zombies in Hazmat Suits are non-flammable, zombies in the swamp throw poo at you, zombies that continuously honks their noses because their clowns, (If there is one thing I hate in this world, it is clowns. Putting them with zombies means whoever did so needs to be hit in the head with a shovel and then pissed on by a pregnant nanny.) and zombies that wear SWAT vests.
The same old Mentally Retarded—I mean—Special Infected, return with new classmates: The Jockey, which jumps on you and rides your ass into walls or the horde, the Charger, which is the first stage of the Tank, and the Spitter, a pregnant hooker that spews her gonorrhea at you.
Besides the graphics and plot, these two games have made zombie killing much more fun but that much more boring at the same time. The gameplay of both games are thus follows: Grab weapons and items, leave point of origin, fight a shitload of zombies, and get into the safe-house, which is just a metal door with bars. Why waste time on the first one when the second one is greater than Resident Evil 5? I still try to understand the movie posters, as if the designers all grew up in the 70s when horror movies basically SUCKED!
Friday, October 1, 2010
Slapp Happy Says: No More StUPER Families
The only thing I can think of when seeing the pilot episode of No Ordinary Family is Stan Lee being crucified outside ABC with his skull, along with Brad Byrd. The idea has been stretched out on a rack, and beaten with metal rods until it was gruesomely slaughtered by the wheel. It felt like we met these characters before, but in a Disney/Pixar movie in 2005.
The episode begins with a “normal, suburban family” going on a vacation to South America. It seemed to be rushed too quickly and that you never sympathize with the main characters distant individual worlds. If they had died, you feel the same way about the pilot of their plane that crashes into an island? Wrong, into a river with floating green algae that was mistaken as gasoline. Anyway, the characters would be dead, along with the pilot and you’d feel nothing for their loss. But because they are main characters, we have to kill the pilot and carry no sympathy for him.
Speaking of Pilot, it should’ve been murdered with an ax sticking out of its head. Why? Because the plot was stabbed, beaten, and rushed out of the door of your living room. Remember when I spoke about the algae? Well, they thought it was originally gas, until they figured out it was just algae. If it was gas, the ecosystem would be kicking man’s destructive ass by trapping gas in bubbles. I’m no biologist, but isn’t algae harmful to the body?
Anyway, the family begins to notice that they have powers. Whoop-de-freaking-fucking-doo! They get powers that begins to mimic the Fantastic Four and the Incredibles (note the Stan Lee and Brad Byrd remark. “Haha,” you say, “you’re so hilarious!” Well, I just gave you heart disease by that joke, and GOOD LUCK FINDING YOUR HEART MEDICINE, ya douche!)
Dad is a bald guy who has family problems and hangs out with a black dude. Sound familiar? It gets better! He hates his job and can’t help the police. Walking on the edge here, fucktards of ABC. He has super strength and can catch bullets, but—ho ho ho—can get shot in the back, which means he’s not all that invulnerable. He can jump real high like the Jolly Green Fucking Hulk Giant. What happens if his hands are chopped off and eaten by llamas in hats because they had the rumblies? I say it’s his damn fault for giving up his badge in the SHIELD and throwing his rocky bodysuit away after doing two FF films.
The wife is like the Flash placed into Elasti Girl’s shoes. She works 80 hours a week and strives to be there for her family when she suddenly runs really fast like Sonic the Fucking Hedgehog to make lost time with her family. Yippee! But when she runs, her clothes do not fall off, as noted by her lab help. Maybe being on national television made it so she can’t do so would only CENSOR it and it probably can happen in the UK because there is no CENSOR there.
The children get powers as well, except that there is no changing baby in this family. There is the daughter, who loves high school and is dating the most popular boy in the school. She acquires the power of telepathy via eye contact, so give her a couple of bracelets and a costume that resembles Wonder fucking Woman, bald, in a wheelchair. She finds out that this power turns her emo, but somehow is ok with it when she breaks up with the boyfriend for sleeping with her bff. Oh, the joys of high school drama!
The son is classified as a lobotomized child who’s struggling in school, until he gets the power from the gas/algae to have a higher brain function. Yay, the cure for retards is in South America! Give him a coyote pup, squinty eyes, and you have Amadeus Cho from the Hercules Comics. Respectfully, bitches, this one is probably the best out of the rest.
The plotline is predictable, the bad guys are lame, and the main villain is easily recognized. The show should be taken off ABC like the bad ending of LOST and FLASH FORWARD.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Slapp Happy Says: About AVP *NEW*
When I can say that the new Alien Vs. Predator is somewhat good, I might add there are some things that make the second one look like someone rubbed poo all over it and baked it in chocolate. Even though the game came out like a year ago I decided it would be a good idea to blog about it.
AVP is by far the best delivery in graphics and interactive storylines-except the fact that the stories never intercede with the others, but see some sort of references in the other two campaigns. Like AVP2 and AVP2: Primal Hunt, there are three campaigns in which you control three characters: a Marine, a Predator, and an Alien. GO FIGURE!!!!!
As the Alien, which is the prologue to the story, is slightly better than it once was in AVP2 and AVP2: PH. You start out in the lab, killing and slaughtering innocents whilst your siblings are randomly killing or picking their noses. It’s a relatively short campaign and can be done before snack time. Your weapons are claws, your tail, and your JAWS!!!! Anyway, the Alien is limited like the marine as opposed to the other two campaigns: it can’t use its tail, which means stunning is out of the question. You can grapple your enemies and can mercilessly kill them in a horrible way. When in the dark, you can see, while your enemies use flashlights to find you. It makes you wonder why none of them ever look up, but I guess that would actually MAKE IT CHALLANGING! A new feature you can do, Alien fans, is that you can harvest harmless humans! YAY! My 476,387,461,287,364,871,638,476,218,374,682,736,476th brother/sister is about to be born PAINFULLY! The thing which aggravates me is that you can’t walk up a wall automatically like in AVP2; you have to press a button to climb walls. It must be because all the douches decide to complain about controlling the Alien AVP2, the dumb c***suckers. Besides killing Marines and Androids, you fight two Predators at the end, as if one wasn’t enough, and then fight a third one only until getting injured and harvesting the Predator, which opens the Predator Campaign. In the end, the Alien becomes a mother (No wonder they refer to it as a she) on a ship, which looks like the same ship that crashed on that one planet in ALIENS. Oh, and the Alien is named Six in the game.
As the Human, you have no name and see everything through a dude’s point of view. Your responses are like Link’s in Legend of Zelda: YOU DON’T EFFING RESPOND, you just do. You never know who the guy is until the end, when you suddenly realize it’s a brother and not a white pansy with crew cut hair, you’re going, “WOOOHOOO!” Unless you’re racist then you can suck a dick coming out of a hooker’s fat ass. Aside from the storyline of battling the Aliens and maybe one or two Predators and kicking the Alien Queen’s TUBE-LIKE ASS and lighting her on fire, you can only carry limited amounts of weapons, like the classic pulse rifle, the flame thrower, a rocket launcher, and the Auto-lock portable turret, and an unlimited ammo pistol. Oh yeah, you can carry the shotgun as well. When you sprint, you have ten seconds before slowing down and you are out of breath. The uselessness of the Human is that you have no knife in which you can do killer moves on your enemies, which you can only knock back or escape their grapple, and you can only carry three weapons, but only your pistol remains and your other two weapons are changeable. F***!
Being the Predator, which I love playing, is downright LIMITED in combat and hunting skills. You begin as a trainee becoming a hunter and you go up against many Aliens before being a hunter, which can give you thumbs up in social points. When you actually play the campaign, your kind destroys a human ship before recording a line from them and sending three Predators to the planet below, in which they have to clean up a mess another Predator made when Six gave him AIDS with a Face-Hugger. You play as the newly trained Predator looking for the PredAlien, while killing both unsuspecting Marines and Aliens along the way. The arsenal is collected along the way from other dead Predators in which you set the self-destruct mode on. You have two wrist-claws, which are there no matter where you go, proximity mines, like the ones from AVP: Requiem, the Disc, a shoulder blaster, which drains power, and multiple exploding combisticks which take no power. The only problem with the combat-stealth system is that after you fire from your plasma caster you’re visible. F***! You say, Now I have to f***ing press one button to turn invisible again. Once isn’t a problem, but after awhile, it gets annoying and gay. You can attack with the Exploding Combisticks whilst cloaked, but cannot remain cloaked when pulling the head of a Marine through his/her stomach while grabbing the spine. You have controlled jumping, because free jumping is the thing of the past. You find the PredAlien, kill it, and now you’re a leader of the clan.
Both the Human and Predator Campaigns sidestep one another and are either behind or ahead, with both ending up going to the same hostile environment: the Xenomorph (Alien) Homeworld. The game delivers in graphics but the combat and controls SUCK! I can rate this game an Eight, if not, a seven in a bloody-half!
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