The only thing I can think of when seeing the pilot episode of No Ordinary Family is Stan Lee being crucified outside ABC with his skull, along with Brad Byrd. The idea has been stretched out on a rack, and beaten with metal rods until it was gruesomely slaughtered by the wheel. It felt like we met these characters before, but in a Disney/Pixar movie in 2005.
The episode begins with a “normal, suburban family” going on a vacation to South America. It seemed to be rushed too quickly and that you never sympathize with the main characters distant individual worlds. If they had died, you feel the same way about the pilot of their plane that crashes into an island? Wrong, into a river with floating green algae that was mistaken as gasoline. Anyway, the characters would be dead, along with the pilot and you’d feel nothing for their loss. But because they are main characters, we have to kill the pilot and carry no sympathy for him.
Speaking of Pilot, it should’ve been murdered with an ax sticking out of its head. Why? Because the plot was stabbed, beaten, and rushed out of the door of your living room. Remember when I spoke about the algae? Well, they thought it was originally gas, until they figured out it was just algae. If it was gas, the ecosystem would be kicking man’s destructive ass by trapping gas in bubbles. I’m no biologist, but isn’t algae harmful to the body?
Anyway, the family begins to notice that they have powers. Whoop-de-freaking-fucking-doo! They get powers that begins to mimic the Fantastic Four and the Incredibles (note the Stan Lee and Brad Byrd remark. “Haha,” you say, “you’re so hilarious!” Well, I just gave you heart disease by that joke, and GOOD LUCK FINDING YOUR HEART MEDICINE, ya douche!)
Dad is a bald guy who has family problems and hangs out with a black dude. Sound familiar? It gets better! He hates his job and can’t help the police. Walking on the edge here, fucktards of ABC. He has super strength and can catch bullets, but—ho ho ho—can get shot in the back, which means he’s not all that invulnerable. He can jump real high like the Jolly Green Fucking Hulk Giant. What happens if his hands are chopped off and eaten by llamas in hats because they had the rumblies? I say it’s his damn fault for giving up his badge in the SHIELD and throwing his rocky bodysuit away after doing two FF films.
The wife is like the Flash placed into Elasti Girl’s shoes. She works 80 hours a week and strives to be there for her family when she suddenly runs really fast like Sonic the Fucking Hedgehog to make lost time with her family. Yippee! But when she runs, her clothes do not fall off, as noted by her lab help. Maybe being on national television made it so she can’t do so would only CENSOR it and it probably can happen in the UK because there is no CENSOR there.
The children get powers as well, except that there is no changing baby in this family. There is the daughter, who loves high school and is dating the most popular boy in the school. She acquires the power of telepathy via eye contact, so give her a couple of bracelets and a costume that resembles Wonder fucking Woman, bald, in a wheelchair. She finds out that this power turns her emo, but somehow is ok with it when she breaks up with the boyfriend for sleeping with her bff. Oh, the joys of high school drama!
The son is classified as a lobotomized child who’s struggling in school, until he gets the power from the gas/algae to have a higher brain function. Yay, the cure for retards is in South America! Give him a coyote pup, squinty eyes, and you have Amadeus Cho from the Hercules Comics. Respectfully, bitches, this one is probably the best out of the rest.
The plotline is predictable, the bad guys are lame, and the main villain is easily recognized. The show should be taken off ABC like the bad ending of LOST and FLASH FORWARD.
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