Slapp Happy Says: Left 4 No One and too much

L4D is a survival horror game without much of the horror in it. It had the surviving part against hordes of smacking zombies who thinks biting is gay and that hitting you continuously is just plain silly. They kinda remind me of the rabid zombies from the new Dawn of the Dead, which still gives me nightmares. It had freaky fat guys that can puke on you to attract more zombies. So when you walk into a room kill all the zombies, then you have one fat guy puke on you, seven hundred thousand more zombies pop out of nowhere and beat the living shit out of you.


With its tedious rules and gameplay, it was generally good. Except you can’t haul an arsenal of weapons and side-weapons, which pretty much sucks. The only way you can fight if you have one rifle and one pistol, and your choices of weapons are a shotgun, an uzi, a sniper rifle, an assault rifle, and an additional pistol. Oh the joy of having duals that won’t run out of ammo! The side weapons of choice are, and you can only HAVE ONE OR THE OTHER, as follows: a Molotov or a pipe bomb for throwing, a health kit or pain killers for healing, or a flashlight, which you cannot get rid of.

Any of the zombies come in contact with you, you can just shove back, which at any case, feels like bashing your head against the wall because a mob of dead people hitting you is pretty much that.

Have I mentioned special undead before? Yes, in this game, there are special undead you face in the game, much like Resident Evil or BioHazerd, depending which c***sucking country you’re from, many which are named by the less intellectual picking their noses with the nozzles of their weapons. We have—drum-roll please—these “Special Infected,” which makes them sound like mentally retarded people:

The Boomer: This is the fat guy who pukes on you to attract more zombies. Oh, f***-berries! Blow it up with a shotgun to feel bigger than Jesus Christ. Thank you, Barely Political, for that phrase.

The Smoker: He is a guy that coughs and explodes into a puff of smoke when dying. I don’t know why he’s called this, maybe because licker would either be offensive to women or sound like heaven to heavy drinkers when he lashes out his tongue to grab a Survivor and crush him/her to death.

The Hunter: He’s a f***ing creeper in a hoody with claws that pounces people and performs horrible plastic surgery on their faces. He climbs walls like a Spider-Ma—er—Hoody-Man—would do.

The Tank: A brown poop version of the Hulk, except more big arms and less legs and a small head. He will knock you down and beat the living shit out of you. Plus, he throws objects at you from pulling rubble from the ground, which begs the question: how is the ground still intact after he rips the pavement away? And how the hell are you still intact after he threw rocks at your face? Oh, wait you’re one of the main characters.

Then there’s the annoying Bitch, I mean Witch: She is the only infected that’s “special” (retarded) that’s blond. Why Valve chose this, I have no idea. When up close, she’s pretty f***ing scary, with glowing red eyes and sharp teeth. Spooky. She is dressed lightly, as seen in bra and underwear, and when she cries, she drags your stupid ass into the scene, and she literally scratches your eyeballs out with her hooker nails. Basically she knocks you over, and when you think you’re drunk and about to get laid, it doesn’t work like that with this one. Lights startle her and she runs after you.

For the Survivors, which are Bill, a Vietnam Vet, Zoe, a chick who is tough, Louis, the only brother who is a white collar in the group, and Francis, a horrible name given to a biker dude. I think we can call Bill Dick, Zoe as Hotness, Louis as Lou, and Francis as Frank. They all seem to know each other and have known how to shoot a gun. They have to help you out if you’re pinned, on the ground, or hanging over a ledge, which I don’t understand why you need help when you pull yourself up off the F***ING LEDGE!!!

L4D2 delivers the same package, except with higher graphics, more weapons, newer enemies, and better gameplay. The rules still apply, as it did in the last game, but this one develops an actual story. Gee, why couldn’t we do that in the first one while we just threw a bunch of ideas in and no plot points?

Instead of the original cast, you play as four more survivors in the south, then the survivors from the north. I think there is some sort of reference between the two when talking about the civil war.

Anyway, the new guys and gal is Nick, a pompous asshole who goes into leader-mode, which we could call him “Doc,” Rochelle, an African-American female newsreporter who is a bitch and bitches more than the annoying Bitch, er Witch, and PMS’s more frequently than Zoe did, Coach, a fat African-American who loves chocolate, as seen stuffing in his fat face in the intro vid, and Ellis, who is a tow-truck driver who wants to get into Rochelle’s pants and claim her as his slave, because of his heavy southern accent.

There are now Special Zombies, as if the first ones had to be retarded in order to be special by being blown to bits by shotguns and pipe bombs. Zombies in Hazmat Suits are non-flammable, zombies in the swamp throw poo at you, zombies that continuously honks their noses because their clowns, (If there is one thing I hate in this world, it is clowns. Putting them with zombies means whoever did so needs to be hit in the head with a shovel and then pissed on by a pregnant nanny.) and zombies that wear SWAT vests.

The same old Mentally Retarded—I mean—Special Infected, return with new classmates: The Jockey, which jumps on you and rides your ass into walls or the horde, the Charger, which is the first stage of the Tank, and the Spitter, a pregnant hooker that spews her gonorrhea at you.

Besides the graphics and plot, these two games have made zombie killing much more fun but that much more boring at the same time. The gameplay of both games are thus follows: Grab weapons and items, leave point of origin, fight a shitload of zombies, and get into the safe-house, which is just a metal door with bars. Why waste time on the first one when the second one is greater than Resident Evil 5? I still try to understand the movie posters, as if the designers all grew up in the 70s when horror movies basically SUCKED!